Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I dont like this place


aa
in memory of jacob
Im still here.  ... well, Im here and surviving... functioning barely.  and all the time while I struggle, I just cant imagine the level that the kids are struggling on.  Little breakdowns in between the mundane things that make up a day or night.  I keep finding myself walking around the house from room to room..
I really just dont know what to do with myself.  life seems to have lost its pizzazz.  (how the heck do you spell that anyways?)  Thought about going to the beach today, then I think.. why bother?
so very badly need to work in my yard.. and then I think... for what?   
the calling hours are tomorrow night and the funeral on friday.  
I'm out of teabags.  need groceries and I just cant seem to make a list.  
Im very surprised that I am stuck in this place.  I didnt expect it. 
anyways.. just checking in.

40 comments:

RiverBend Farm said...

The only gift I can offer you right now is prayer and the promise that some day we get to meet up again with our little ones.
Berte

Japolina said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Judy Miller said...

So sorry for your loss. May God be with you and give you and the family peace.

Theresa said...

I am praying for all of you! Try to keep on keepin' on dear friend. One step at a time. Hugs and prayers!!!

menopauselsupermodel said...

{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Sending up prayers

kandeland said...

each day will slowly get a bit easier...like you said- right now it's just going through the motions. praying for you everyday..xo

Shelley said...

Sending up a prayer..... Blessings of peace!

Perfectly Printed said...

As you wander,please take comfort in knowing how many people are praying for you, and the God has you in his hands. Don't expect too much at once, little baby steps work just as well as big ones.

XXOOO chris

Jane said...

Still praying for you all.

Debby said...

So glad to see a post. It just takes time, a long time. Esp. when you loose a little one. When I lost my cousin I was in a funk for quite some time. She was the closest family member I had.....we were like twins. Still not as hard as what you are going through. I think it is just the way our bodies handle things. You need time to grieve. It will get better. For your children, I can't imagine. One of my best friends daughter lost her first baby. It was a home birth that didn't go well. They kept the baby in the hospital on life support for four days. It was so hard but they got to say goodbye to him. I am still so glad that you all had some time with Jacob. He had to feel the love. You know he is with Jesus and I hope that helps. I think of you so often. (((((HUGS))))

Kai said...

Viv, I'd be lots more worried if you WEREN'T feeling scattered because I'd know you weren't allowing yourself to FEEL the pain & emptiness. It's HARD but it's natural. Don't you even THINK of berating yourself for not 'accomplishing' something as mundane as buying groceries. I think you're doing exactly what you SHOULD do - BEING. And right now, THAT'S hard enough. I love you so much & wish I could go do everything FOR you. But all I can do, is grieve with you from here, and send you hugs, love, and heartfelt sympathy! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

ImagiMeri said...

We're all with you pretty lady, never fear. Use our collective strength of thoughts and prayers.

God Bless,
Meri

Linda said...

Things will get better...
It is good to grieve...cleanses the soul...
My thoughts are with you..

Linda :o)

My Vintage Mending said...

Surround yourself with your grands and know that Jacob is savoring the love you send him. The pain must be unbearable but you should rest easy knowing baby J's is no longer. I have been praying for your sweet children knowing that they have been in such turmoil of late. Viv I have been thinking and praying for you all. Blessings my friend for comfort, strength and peace...Renee

Luv2Shop said...

God Bless You Vivian...Praying for you and your children. ((HUGS))

Susan said...

I'm still praying for you and your family. Each day will feel different for each person. Time will be your enemy and your friend. Allow yourself your feelings. God Speed.

M.L. @ The House of Whimsy said...

Just sent you an e mail, dear, dear Vivian.
I hope you can feel the outpouring of love for you and your family from all who have left you messages here.

My deepest sympathy and love,

Mary Lou

Creative Breathing said...

Vivian, I had my husband look up your little town in the Atlas for me. I traced my finger over the spot and imagined all of the posts you have shared about your trips to the beach with your family. My heart aches for you all. It's right that we are all so sad. Jacob's life mattered. It always will. Love, E

Erica of Golden Egg Vintage said...

Sending Hugs and Praying that your family gets through this difficult time Viv.
Love, Erica

Jenny said...

I think pizzazz (I'm not sure how to spell it either) is out of the question now.

Just be kind to yourself in this time of grieving and loss.

Hugs, hope and healing coming your way.

Pieceful Bits said...

I'm sorry you are all going through this...mundane things will still be waiting. It's time for grieving and support of family and friends. Grieving is a process and no ones is the same. Sending extra prayers as you celebrate baby Jacob's short visit on earth. God Bless you,
Julie

Debbie Kay said...

Viv,

I found you through Deb (Garage Sale Gal) and I just want to reach out to you with prayer and support during this time of grief. God's ways really are perfect, so hard to see how it can be perfect but praise God you are grounded in your faith and He will carry you through.

Sending my love,

Debbie

Emily Dimov-Gottshall said...

I want you to know we are all praying for you. Many of us have been through loss and it's just how you describe it...not knowing what to do with your self and feeling hopeless. this eventually eases but is always there, if that makes sense. When we lost our friend, my husband and I for many months, felt so sad. Once we were past the shock and disbelief, and accept it...we started to be able to let go and yet, feel closer to him more so. Every person that leaves us, it takes a bit of our heart but it does make being with the ones who are here all the more important and meaningful. I hope some day, you'll and your family will be able to be at this place.

Sandy said...

Aw Viv....don't be so hard on yourself, this is part of the shock of losing your sweet Jacob, it will pass, but don't rush....having had way too much loss in my life, I have learned that for me ( and only me), I just have to sit and feel those hellish feelings and little by little they went away....I can't even imagine the pain you fell for your child and her husband.....please just keep putting that one foot in front of the other....and the beach? Maybe it is calling to you for a reason.....Love you sweetie....Sandy

GARAGE SALE GAL ~ Deb's Earthly Delights said...

Hey Viv,
I just can't image how you are feeling, let alone your "kids"...
I see so many loving comments and I hope they help.
I'm sending some tea!!!
Continued prayers...
love,
deb

Fran said...

What you are feeling is normal for what you are going through. Right now you are going through lots of grieving and that is normal. I know it hurts and you feel lost. Time will heal but not forget. I'm still sending prayers and lots of love and hugs. My heart aches for you and the kids and rest of the family. Know we are all here for you and we love you and baby Jacob.
LUV <3 <3 & HUGS ((()))

Mahala said...

My heart goes out to you and your family. Love and blessings to you. <3

NanE said...

Viv, it is completely normal to feel the way you are, it is part of the grieving process. After I lost both of my parents, there were times I felt like I was in some kind of time warp. Weeks had passed and I couldn't think of a thing I had accomplished. Be kind to yourself, you have suffered a terrible loss. I will continue to pray for all of. Hugs, Nan

Peggy said...

So very sorry for your loss. Lifting you and your family in prayer. Do what you need to do in this grieving process. There is no right or wrong way, just one breath at a time.

JENNY BAIO said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I've been away from blogging for almost a year. When I returned a few weeks ago, I caught up on your blog and was shocked at how much you family was going through.
Sweet, wee babe.
My step daughter asked me how Jesus meets the babies when they come to Heaven. Honestly, I don't remember how I answered, but I can only image it is with a love so great we cannot even begin to comprehend.
Love and prayers to you and your family!

Dawn's Craft Place said...

Oh you poor girl...I know your heart is breaking. I am sending you lots of prayers and a big hug.
Let your self grieve and do only what you can, you need to do it at your own speed.

Cindy said...

Just know that time really does heal, and then you will find your joy again. Sending you and your family my prayers.

Stephanie said...

Standing with you, holding you up.

Michelle said...

So, so sad for you. I pray that dark cloud lifts soon.

The Cottage Market {Andrea} ♥ said...

love and prayers are coming to round the clock my friend and to your children -- my heart breaks for you just know that precious little Jacob is safe in the hands of God and surrounded by angels ...prayers and more prayers are coming. much love to you all

Tammy said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you are feeling. I am praying for you and your family. ((Hugs))

BucksCountyFolkArt said...

Wish I were there to buy you teabags and do your shopping. : (

Tears from far away,
Jill

Lisa said...

Oh Viv...I'm so sorry. Praying that you are able to find some peace through your loss. I'm also praying for Tony and Vanessa. I know you are all absolutely heartbroken... xoxo.
Lisa

NanaDiana said...

Yes- That is exactly the way I felt when we lost our granddaughter- that Why Bother feeling. It lessens with time but sometimes still comes back to haunt you. Blessings- xo Diana

Anonymous said...

I'm so, so sorry, Viv.

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